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The first time I encountered an actual douche was at a 99 cent store. Atop the dented cans of Capell’s chicken soup and Folgate toothpaste, I happened across a 99 cent douche. It was then and there that my female companion explained the proper usage of a “douche”. Blah blah blah… Penetration, womans health, and cleanliness. Not exactly the type of information that would help me in real life. It was ok. I managed to stumble out of the store with the intent of knighting my buddies “douchebags”.

What really defines a douchebag? What is “The Essence of Douchebag”? Example of douchebaggedness:

Popped collar: No. This just enhances your overly apparent douchebaggedness. When you buy a collared shirt, it comes with the collars folded over exactly how they should be. Leave them alone. Why do you want to hide your neck so bad? Don’t want to show off that hickie you got last night from that dumb slut you slipped some rufies? Because that is the only way you’re pulling any box with your collar turned up. Girls laugh at you. No matter what you think, it is not cool.

Pink shirt and a popped collar? Oops. I’m guilty as charged.

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