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09/16/04 BOSTON, Massachusetts – In a desperate attempt to connect with the American electorate, presidential candidate John Kerry recently underwent a battery of personality tests.

The results of Senator Kerry’s tests were startling: he is the first subject ever found to have absolutely no personality. In short, he failed.

“We can’t explain it,” sighed Dr. Siegfried Royd of the Rhienhold Institute of Psychometric Testing (RIPT). “These tests were designed to place people into categories based on basic psychological and behavioral criteria, not to pass or fail them.

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